Understanding Games People Play

Based on Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships by author Dr. Eric Berne (1910–1970)
Founder of Transactional Analysis

Summary

Games People Play is a groundbreaking book by Dr. Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional Analysis (TA), a psychological framework that maps interpersonal communication using three ego states:

• 👶 Child – emotional, impulsive
• 👩 Adult – rational, objective
• 👨‍👧 Parent – judgmental or nurturing

Berne defined “games” as repetitive, unconscious interaction patterns with a hidden payoff. While appearing socially appropriate, these games often conceal emotional needs, power dynamics, or defenses.

For consultants, leaders, and facilitators, understanding these interactional scripts is vital. Games arise in meetings, workshops, change programs, and stakeholder management—often derailing progress without anyone naming what’s happening.

Table of Games – Categorised Summary

Category	Game Name	Description	Typical Roles	Psychological Payoff
Life Games	Kick Me	Seeks rejection or criticism to validate self-image	Victim, Critic	Confirms unworthiness
	Now I’ve Got You, You SOB	Waits to catch others in a mistake, then attacks	Accuser, Rule-breaker	Moral superiority
	See What You Made Me Do	Blames others for personal reactions or breakdowns	Accuser, Provoker	Evades responsibility
	Martyr	Seeks sympathy through self-sacrifice	Self-sacrificer, Observers	Gains moral leverage
	Frigid Woman	Rejects intimacy while provoking desire	Withholder, Pursuer	Maintains control
	Look How Hard I’ve Tried	Makes a show of effort while ensuring failure	Resigned Actor, Judge	Avoids blame
	Schlemiel	Makes social blunders then expects forgiveness	Offender, Forgiver	Gains attention + resets guilt
Marital Games	If It Weren’t for You	Blames partner for life dissatisfaction	Victim, Suppressor	Avoids self-directed change
	Sweetheart	Plays cooperative, then acts out passive-aggressively	Passive Actor, Angry Responder	Indirect expression of resentment
	Courtroom	Third party is dragged into couple’s argument	Plaintiff, Defendant, Judge	Transfers emotional tension externally
	Harried	Uses busyness to avoid intimacy or responsibility	Overloaded Actor, Bystander	Excuse for emotional distance
Party Games	Ain’t It Awful	Group bonding over shared negativity	Complainers	Emotional validation
	Blemish	Points out others’ flaws to feel superior	Critic, Target	Preserves self-esteem
	Why Don’t You – Yes But	Seeks advice, dismisses every suggestion	Help-seeker, Advice-giver	Maintains helpless persona
	Uproar	Escalates conflict for stimulation	Instigator, Reactor	Releases tension, stirs drama
	Schlemiel (also a Party Game)	Repeats faux pas under guise of innocence	Clumsy Actor, Group	Gains attention or resets guilt
Sexual Games	Rapo	Provokes flirtation, then accuses the other	Flirt, Accuser	Asserts power/control
	Let’s You and Him Fight	Provokes two others into conflict	Instigator, Combatants	Drama + third-party power
	Perversion	Engages in abnormal sexual behavior framed as joke or rebellion	Deviant, Enabler	Releases suppressed tension
	The Stocking Game	Uses sexual signals to manipulate others	Signal-giver, Observer	Attention, control
Underworld Games	Cops and Robbers	Justifies deviance by accusing authority	Rebel, Authority	Externalizes guilt
	How Do You Get Out of Here?	Habitual prisoner mentality; sabotages release	Institutionalized, Rescuer	Maintains identity in confinement
	Let’s Pull a Fast One on Joey	Group cons another individual or system	Conspirators, Target	Team bonding over deception
Consulting Room	Stupid	Plays dumb to avoid responsibility	Helpless Patient, Therapist	Escapes challenge
	Wooden Leg	Uses disability or flaw to avoid effort	Justifier, Helper	Excuse to underperform
	Greenhouse	Functions well in therapy but not in real life	Client, Therapist	Dependency without change
	I’m Only Trying to Help You	Helper creates dependency; helpee resists	Rescuer, Resistor	Mutual validation of roles
	Peasant	Avoids higher-functioning behavior by playing low-status	Inferior Actor, Superior Actor	Avoids expectations
	Indigence	Uses poverty to manipulate therapist or system	Pleader, System	Gains sympathy or handouts
	Psychiatry	Uses therapy setting to act superior or mock therapist	Pretender, Target	Asserts control or intellect
Good Games	Happy to Help	Genuine assistance with mutual respect	Helper, Recipient	Builds healthy relationships
	They’ll Be Glad They Knew Me	Strives to leave a meaningful legacy	Contributor, Beneficiary	Long-term value to others
	A Good Sport	Maintains grace under pressure or failure	Player, Observer	Builds resilience and social trust
	Busman’s Holiday	Uses leisure to do enjoyable work with others	Collaborators	Shared enthusiasm and fun

How to Spot a Game

Games differ from healthy interactions by featuring:

• Repetition: The same result, different players
• Role-play: Fixed roles (Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer)
• Switches: Players swap roles during conflict
• Payoff: Emotional satisfaction at a hidden cost
• Outcome: Tension, disempowerment, or confusion

Use Berne’s framework as a diagnostic lens to avoid getting caught in the triangle—and to liberate teams from cycles of conflict, passivity, or over-control.

Consulting Application

Transactional Analysis + Consulting Skills = Deep Impact

Tool	Use Case
Ego State Model	Understand where the client is speaking from
Game Analysis	Uncover recurring emotional patterns in meetings
Adult-to-Adult Reframe	Restore productive dialogue
Contracting	Clarify expectations and psychological “terms”
Observation	Spot hidden roles and role-swaps

✍️ Final Word

Dr. Berne’s work reminds us that behind every polished slide and sharp question is a human—playing out fears, desires, and defenses.
The work of a consultant is not just technical; it is relational, ethical, and often, deeply psychological.

By learning to name the game, you help clients change the script.